A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no
one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a
little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and
throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his
door. He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail
sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says, “What the hell was that all
about?”

Sign on a church bulletin board:

You aren’t too bad to come in, You aren’t good enough to stay out.

“My body, by my own admission,”

I told him, “is in top condition.”
I said with a snigger,
“I worship my figure.”

Then he tried to embrace my religion.

“Oh yes, for dinner we had an amazing meal which consisted of coagulated
cholesterol cooked in a mixture of cholesterol and cholesterol, covered in
ground cholesterol and cooked, then served with a cholesterol sauce and a
sprinkler of cholesterol in the middle of the table in case it’s not heavy
enough. You could feel your arteries closing up just looking at it.”
— Peter Gutmann, in alt.sysadmin.recovery

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and
their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name
is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.

The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered
her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his
enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said “Miss Crunt?”

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to
recent bombings and have raised their security level
from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security
levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even
“A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross”
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
“Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the
British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that
it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to
“Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are
“Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s
white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country’s military capability.

It’s not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
alert level from “shout loudly and excitedly” to
“elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels
remain, “ineffective combat operations” and “change
sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from
“disdainful arrogance” to “dress in uniform and sing
marching songs”. They also have two higher levels:
“invade a neighbour” and “lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual and the only threat they worry about is NATO
pulling out of Brussels.

Do Re Mi Drink

DOUGH… the stuff that buys me beer
RAY….. the guy that sells me beer
ME…… the one who drinks the beer
FAR….. a long run to get beer
SO…… I’ll have another beer
LA…… I’ll have another beer
TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer
That will bring us back to DOUGH

Think before you think!

–Stanislaw Lec

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and then
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get
a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she
leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now
at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is battered
against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when……..

……..the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

A stingy old man of St. Giles
Saved his shillings with miserly wiles.
Just to save a few bob
He would wipe with a cob,
And that way he got piles and piles!

Does God have a navel?
(Florida State University)

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really
want to make the sound of a frog now.”

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will
you please make a sound like a frog?”
Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that.
I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”

Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please…
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”

“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa
asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!”

An Obituary printed in the London Times…….. Interesting and sadly
rather true.

‘Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to
come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t
always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

Common Sense declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have
an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as some churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a
beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home
and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust his
wife, Discretion his daughter, Responsibility his son, Reason He is
survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone
Else Is To Blame, I’m A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Hey!! This isn’t a joke but it’s a poem:

Kissing is a habit,
Fucking is a game.
Boys get all the pleasure,
Girls get all the pain.

He says that he loves you,
And you believe it’s true,
But when your stomach starts to swell,
He says to hell with you.

15 minutes of pleasure,
9 months of pain,
3 days in the hospital,
A baby with no name.

The baby is a bastard,
The mother is a whore.
It never would have happened,
If the rubber hadn’t tore.

Thanks

Sent by Zoe_112

“… You can at least teach a dingo to fetch. The problem is, it can take
years to teach it the difference between a baby and a stick.”
— Kerry Cue (in “The Advertiser”, 13/10/1997)

What’s the difference between a bull and a cow?

A bull smiles when you milk it.

My brother was his graduating class’s validictorian.

When he stood up to speak, all was going just fine, until he closed
with, “and in closing I’ll just say that there are two great honors a man
can hope to achieve in his lifetime. And these two honors are, GET ON HER
and STAY ON HER !” The crowd busted a gut laughing, but my father was in
big hot water since Mom knew exactly who had coached my brother with that
one.

Sent by Jennifer

There once was a young man from Virtualand,
Who traded real life for a wedding band,
He signed onto the net,
His betrothed got upset,
And she lopped off his link @ the ampersand.

Arnold’s Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn’t.
(2) If it does exist, it’s out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.